What have you been up to all winter?, they asked me.
Oh, you know, not much - cracking the code of the gods; turning to face myself in a chaotic fog of mini epiphanies and tears and fears; falling in love; things like this.
Not blogging, that's for sure...
Yesterday, I went for a spiritual therapy session. I have a psychic astrologer and she is awesome and amazing.
She gets me closer to the thin veil.
She blinks her eyelashes and sees another question, another challenging truth.
Seems I have some work to do...
I told her when I'm writing a lot my admin suffers
like, my website never gets updated, for instance.
She said I should ask for more help
I have been thinking this myself lately, I don't need a psychic to tell me.
It takes work to ask for help
So I'm working on it.
For now, this is a mini blog post
to tell you I have been having quite a winter
and now it is spring!
I wrote a lot of words
I went into schools and city councils to speak
I practiced the drums a lot of times and I think I need to join a band soon so I can practice more.
I read a lot of books and sat in my office late at night, thinking
I'm working on a big project about faith and spirituality and life and purpose and it is all consumming
Really, I spend hours looking out the window and following whims around and I call this work
slow soul excavation
going down to the underworld to dig up the equations
though I can never solve them
I won't be touring much for the next little while since I am busy moprhing
something is happening but I don't know what
my poems are changing
so are the songs I want to be playing
I have new things to say but how will I say them... give me some time, I'll figure it out.
In the meantime, I will ask for help
I will figure out how to update my website more frequently, more easily
I will get someone to take new pictures so I can show you all my new gray hairs
I will keep falling in love and I will take some of the many poems I've written about it and post them up to share.
Thank you for your continued support.
Please know I am brewing, stewing something.
This has been the kind of rich souful artistic winter that needs some solitude
growing not showing
though I am excited to bust out again soon
back on stages to play and say what I've been up to.
Today I have strep throat.
So I am 'home sick'
which means that I am home, like usual, but sick, like unsual
On sick days I turn to admin tasks that I avoid for months, apparently
For instance, today I uploaded alllll of my songs onto my bandcamp page
It was tedious but I'm on penicillin and chocolate and so somehow I didn't mind.
I thought, maybe someone somewhere would want to listen to these?
But either way they may as well fly away
I don't want to hold on to things
Today I also wrote emails to dear people so I could let some feelings fly away, too
All this week, I did that
I wrote emails disgusing poems explaining feelings
because the feelings are being like small birds flapping in the cage of my chest and i want them to fly away
Not so I don't have them but so they are free
let feelings free
that is a motto I just came up with
it might be the penicillin talking
but I think it's the little bird
the little bird is actually love
it is all of the love I have in my chest that wants to fly away and into everything
and especially a few ones
and especially one
so i wrote emails and i wrote poems that are actually love letters that maybe i will give but probably not
and i took penicillin and it makes my body weary
somebody told me in the coffee shop it is hard on your heart
oh, that's good
i don't have enough things that are hard on my heart
my heart likes a good challenge
someday soon, when I am not on penicillin and chocolate and a day of admin tasks, I will write another more sensical blog update
I don't know what this one is about
mostly, it is time to watch a tv on the internet show and not daydream and not administer anything except pats to my cat and water to my throat
mostly, it is time to let the bird out even though she might land somewhere she is not yet welcome
i should have warned you this blog post would not make any sense
i can't turn back now
can't start over
here it is
It's time to put up a fresh calendar
Holidays almost over
It's time for new to-do lists, resolutions, best-of music and moments
the symbolism is rife with tension and promise
and through all of this
the planets do their thing
the plants die and keep growing
this planet with all its love and pain keeps turning
and we take aim at being a better person
better, stronger, more determined.
I get caught up in it, too.
I mean, it's hard not to.
I like chances and change; I like me a good clean slate.
But my astrologer said: revelation
I'll take it.
Our world needs it.
Let us idle no more, let us mean it.
I can't sum up a year in an update. But I want to let you know I'm feeling grateful and steaming onwards with projects, ideas, and adoration.
Here, in brief, are some finer points:
1.) I recently recorded two tunes. That is more than a single and yet not quite an EP; but I am releasing it anyway, awkward terminology notwithstanding.
Do you want to hear? You can hear here:
You can also purchase them. That, of course, would be awesome.
Recorded and produced in Halifax by Benn Ross. Check him out: http://bennross.bandcamp.com/
I did this because:
- I'm not ready to record an album but I've been writing songs and I want to send them off, let you know they're happening.
- I resolved to make more things, send them off, let you know they're happening.
- Creativity is coming out of me, here are two examples.
- Also, any proceeds I get from downloads will go directly into the other projects I'm working on
Here are the other projects I'm working on:
1.) A lot of writing. Stay tuned for new poems, a lot of them.
2.) An epic lofty show involving religion and churches, namely Catholic ones. This will be a show for those of us with questions. With love and wonder and interdependence. Also, to call out nonsense and to highlight purpose. Faith fascinates me and so I'm gonna search for it. Or with it. I can't tell, really. This is a project for spirit's sake, and because our world is hurting. Because world religion has so many failings; and we have looked to logic to explain things. And in so doing, we have poisoned the cathedrals, angels leaving, gods grieving. I'm going to be a wandering monastic (albeit not a chaste one..), on an alternative pilgrimage, worshipping life and glory.
This means: I will be crouched over looseleaf paper. I will on my knees in pagan prayer. I will not be on tour as much as last year. I will be quietly galavanting and openly weeping. I will be seeking company to have love and tea with. I will be reading and making messy notes and I will be back in some months with a brand new show.
I will post regular updates about its progress. I will ask for help when it is called for. I always need patrons, and I always need love.
3.) There will be another published book this year! Stay tuned.
4.) Andrea Dorfman and I are working on another film project. I wish I could tell you more. I will soon (Oh dear, what kind of vague update is this?!?!?).
5.) I'm learning how to sew and am gonna make me some clothes, as I grow the hair on the top of my head, some kind of vow to all that I don't know.
Thank you for your love and support, for reading this bizarre update. I reply to emails as much and as fast as I can. Feel free to write if you have answers or questions.
Enjoy the symbolism of the turning year.
Remember to look around, inside and out, and hold each other close and dear.
This world is nuts.
Or it's not
I can't tell
But it is weird, yes?
I am shedding a new skin. I am morphing, yet again.
I am standing on the edge
of another precipice
and I cant' see what's after this
something about change
something about I'll tell you when I figure it out, please, wait
I have songs and poems to share, I am not disappearing anyway
although, when I turn up around the next corner, I will have a new outfit, new words to say
This is because I have new thoughts to speak for
on behalf of
this is because I keep changing, thank the gods, and so my art does, too
so my heart does, too
so, I fall in love with you
and sometimes you love me back
I have my own back because I have to
Because that's what a poet like me should do.
I bought hot black boots and I know what to do with them
My moto is parked for me and waiting
Dance floors need me and sidewalks keep me company
and I'm not fading away into anything
Maybe i'll ride into the sunset because it's dramatic
and I'm learning how to act
And maybe I'll fade into the background so I can watch what goes down, before I act
I might need to go to Argentina to learn the tango, but I'll be back
Basically, I just want you to know that I'm working. Hard.
and some of that means I dont' update my twitter or my status so much as I update my heart
I'm looking around
I'm writing it down
i will find the next suiting format for my developing sound
I will find the venues that work
the people who listen, who teach, who hug, who also can see no ground.
I think about you all the time
you, person like all the people who need healing
who has feelings worth feeling
you are all my teachers and I'm so grateful that I'm reeling
And while this world spins me
yet another web
I'm gonna sit down for a bit and check back in
the poems keep going
the ink keeps flowing
the waves keep rolling
and I will show you soon
just what it is that I'm up to
with love and gratitude, from my spot in the wind,
thoughts on a july morning,
It didn't rain in Halifax for 3 weeks, and July was hotter than usual
And all of the people were sunned and more bronzed than usual
and they were more happy than their usual levels of happiness
and cats lazed around and meowed softly
and bikes cruised down pavements safely
and all was well
ok, maybe my cucumber plants are not fully well, but otherwise..
I just finished my first solo theatre-esque show. Monologue. All about love and dating and polyamory and too many thoughts from my over-thinky head.
It depleted and replenished me at the same time.
I got to yell on stage. I've never done that. I swore. My eyes watered.
For those of you who might want to see it/hear it/read it stay tuned. It's too fresh right now to put back out there, I need to revisit it, fine tune, all of that.
But I will remount it, somewhere sometime soonish. Maybe I will tour it. Maybe I will record it. Maybe I will type it into a little booklet of some kind with cute pencil drawings alongside.
For now, I have to go on tour again. Just a mini tour, to the mid country where it will be hot as all get out and I'll think, 'where is the frigging ocean??!!?'
But I do get to spend a bit of time in Toronto, with friends and sexy people in my midst
and hot coffee in the hot sun.
This summer has been a wealth of swimming. Out here in Halifax the swimming is really good.
When people ask why I live here I say 'for the swimming'
well, that is not the only reason, but it's up there on the list. Definitely top 7.
Other things about this summer:
new-to-me joint pain
a tour across the prairies that was bliss mixed with canoes and ideas
love and falling for it, as usual
picnics with beauties on hills
frustration with social media, so more books
so leaving my phone at home
so putting my body in bodies of water
also trying to let it go
you know, be here now and all that clicheed stuff
also, sorting through the clichees to see what are the good ones
hope your summer is going swimmingly, indeed
bye for now
Ok, I admit it, I am bad at blogging. Well, I mean, i don't blog enough. I think about blogging. Apparently, that does not get that blog written.
Here's the deal: I'm making some sort of vow to spend more time on this thing called 'my webpage'. I've always had a mind to do so. But you know what I don't have? Time. I don't have much time. I am busy, working and living. I'm writing and touring and thinking and playing and scheming and reading and cooking and being. Some things fall off the to-do list before others. And since I am not so tech savvy and computers are hard places for me to spend my time, inevitably my website gets neglected. I'm sorry, website. I'm sorry, people who actually read this blog.
I was excited to tell you about Germany! And England! But then I came home and spent all my writing time on this new solo show that I'm performing in July. And suddenly I'm off on tour again.
So, the vow. i, Tanya Davis, do vow to find a way to put time and energy in new and old places. And I will do this by working smarter. I have a plan. I can't unveil it yet. But, basically, i am commited to writing and creating - as I always have been - and am recognizing the burnout that's happening by all the administrative work, the logisitcs, the financial management and stress, the compartmentalizing of my time. So, I'm working to implement some changes and I will put them into place by summer's end, if all goes well.
And then I will also start sending out mailing list updates/ news and whatnot.
My housemate and fellow musician, Tim Crabtree (of the amazing Paper Beat Scissors) is good at sending mail outs. I am not. I am good at other things. It is hard to be good at all the things. We don't need to be. We just need to prioritize, balance, make do... all of that.
For today, this is the update.
I have other more exciting things
Like the show I'm writing and how my nerves feel to know I will perform it in one month, costumes, light cues, soundtrack and all. It's about polyamory. So... ya.
All days long lately I have been sitting and writing, kind of about me but also about this character named Nonmonog. And when I stop writing I think about her. Or I think about the fodder for this whole show, which is my whole life, philosophies about my whole life and your life, too. Or I think about people I am in various states of love with. I feel, lately, like I live in an alternate reality. It's kind of amazing. And I also feel a little nutso.
It's summer. Offically here in the northern hemisphere. Happy summer to you. I celebrated last night with limbs entangled and then a backyard party wherein I was too heady and riled up for small talk chit chat so I gathered on the fringes and, with fellow artists, discussed the art of storytelling. Then I sat alone in the dark in my own backyard and thought about life. It's good, life. It's a lot of things, but it's mostly good.
OK, now on to the to-do list. Blog, you weren't even on the to-do list! You are way more fun than compiling that data for my co-op, you are more fun than buying a long distance calling card. Hell, you are even more fun than renewing my library book. I should write to you more often...
I'm not even gonna proofread this.
On a spring day in Halifax, I sit on my back porch with my cat nearby
my to-do list is long but most of it is checked off
I have left the funnest things for the last minute
which is unusual
how great that today, instead of booking airplane tickets and shuffling papers, I, instead, get to go buy a german phrasebook
and a novel for bookclub
I will bring these things on the plane
I am to Germany! In a few hours!
Oh, but I have not packed yet. Oops.
My motorcyle is running and insured and in my driveway. It looks really good and sounds reasonable. I am in love with it.
My bicycle also looks good and I am in love with that, too.
I am in love with a lot of things.
I have spring fever
Or else it is always this way. I think it is always this way.
In Germany I will drink too much beer.
Well, too much if measured against glasses of fresh squeezed juice, which I will probably not consumme enough of.
But just the right amount of beer for flavour and light-headedness after shows and curiosity for new flavours.
i will also eat too much cake!
At a superduper dinner party the other night a friend said the Germans are good at cake.
I will also be to Denmark for one day and Iceland for one day and England for 7 days.
Every time I write a blog post I do so in a spastic hyper mood and I don't know what to focus on, so I end up writing a list
Here is my list for today:
Gratitude for -
7 second (or longer) hugs
the strangers I haven't met yet
the opportunity to be Halifax's poet laureate
the chance to say goodbye
the vegetables I recently ate (may you sustain me through beer and cake, vegetables!)
when Halifax says things out loud, when Canada says things out loud
Hey, Germany, will you dance with me?!
because on friday there is a house party in Halifax where friends and lovers of mine will celebrate and move and grind
and they'll all be having a time
and, sadly, I will miss it
but the thing is
with this touring business
i pick up other adventures in the places I visit
but on this coming friday night
if I do feel listless
will you grab my waist and grip my hips
and spin me
shake with me on a floor
make me forget the reasons we are here for
or else remember them
it's for love, yes?
Ah..... Mexico! Mexico Mexico Mexico.
I am in love with Mexico. And people and poets and mezcal and rancheros and limes and dancing and love.
Just got home to snow dusted Halifax two days ago.
I was only in Mexico for one week but it felt like much much more. Maybe that is because IT IS AMAZING THERE!
and time seemed to go slow, or else i went slowly through it.
can't tell, doesn't matter.
Enclave Festival brought me there. Poetry brought me there. Thank you, poetry and people who bring poets together under umbrellas of festivals and workshops and sharing.
This morning in Canada I went to speak in a library at a local college. I drank the punch, though it had no fresh limes in it. I glowed a little bit about Mexico and there are a lot of reasons why.
For instance: avocados
the oldest most beautiful buildings I have ever seen
heat and sun and shade-y places to drink your cerveza and watch the people
leather and denim
food, everywhere, in the open air without inspections or uptight bylaws
people, everywhere, in the open air eating the food and talking to each other and communing
plazas, large ones, open air, more open air and people communing in it
traffic that seems crazy but somehow works
motorcycles that weave through like talented embroiderers, making pretty and dangerous patterns
pedestrians who know how to cross the road
spanish language and spanish-speaking poets playing with spanish language and all of it's r's rolling
the crazy mezcal-fuelled house party, the dancing people, the shirtless hombres, the flirtation, the zest
driving around empty Colima streets late at night with artists and an open bottle (ssshhh.. don't tell. The Canadian in me loved this reckless moment)
my new friends, from Mexico, Guatemala, Germany, Chile, USA
the ocean in Manzanillo, the waves so big we could only flirt with them, the bashing that happened when I went out too far
the oysters on the beach that PEI-ers would have approved of
the discomfort of not speaking the language and how it was to feel outside in this way
the moments of connection that existed without the language of words (dancing, laughter, eye contact, tears)
my newfound and pressing desire to learn Spanish, so I can talk to more people in the world, and hear their poems
poems, even when i don't understand them
These are some things I loved
there are more, of course
But language can't say it, can explore it, can't claim it
How grateful I am, up here in Halifax, to have been there, in Mexico, and for poetry.
Poets all over the world, living and watching.
I feel cracked open. I don't quite know what that means.. but parts are dribbling out of me
things I once believed
and those I never did
made some room so as to let Mexico in
Oh, my pounding heart.
how I love to love this world,
Some weeks are more about doing poetry than writing it.
Having it? LIving it? Sponging it up and sitting in it?
I am having one of those weeks.
Though I did move ahead at least 2 stanzas on 2 different poems I am trying to finish for upcoming performances. And I've been reading my new Billy Collins book...
Productivity is a farce. Still, I strive for it anyway.
And so, accomplished this week (thus far...):
Serious brainstorm time into what to wear to this weekend's TEXTURE themed dance party and what sort of touches I will garner while in my chosen texture
A cabin booked for February's west coast writing retreat weekend (well, actually, i totally didn't do that, my friend Mary did. But I got to OK it)
Successful first attempt at braised short ribs
Accumulation of new sheet music for the piano!
Much pondering over how to use my accumulated air miles that I got thanks to accumulated visa debt - upcoming trip to Mexico City for poetry festival or some future dream trip to Japan. Pondering is not exactly accomplishing but it is productive (?)
Love and dating
A very great show at the In the Dead of Winter Music Festival with a drummer and a slew of new songs, vulnerable and raw for my hometown crowd
Safe bicycle riding in the snow
Random speaking engagements booked for months down the road
That is the kind of week I'm having
Well, there's other things, too.
Things like secrets. Also, lustful things, private things. Things you might want to hear but I'm not going to type them today.
Also, I have done a lot of thinking.
And I made myself sit at my desk many times, though my feet twitched and my knees bumped together and my cat reeaaaally wanted me to get up.
And I watched some Halifax poets perform, their hearts exposed through personal words in a bar on a stage for acquaintances and strangers.
I also finally spent that gift certificate I was given for the big Indigo Book store, speaking of acquaintances.
On sunday I was on a date in a cafe.
The people at the next table were familiar faces, we struck up a conversation, soon we were making arrangements for shared transportation
'Let's go spend our gift cards!'
So, I spent a few hours at the mall and came home with a few books and two new friends.
Now, THAT is the kind of productivity I feel good about.
Coming soon: I learn how to post new pictures and poems on my website
Also, news of winter/spring touring to other countries!
I hope you see something gorgeous today
there is always something gorgeous
I am in a PEI cafe. Last night was my last show of 2011 and I am friggin excited for a much needed vacation. Happy Solstice everybody! To celebrate, I will gather around a fire with farmers and spinsters, draft-dodgers and hippies, mothers and children, government employees, teachers and unemployed-ees, artists and wanderers, lovers and friends, pagans and christians. We will welcome the return of the sun and I will celebrate a marvellous year. Thank you for all of your support and love. I feel it. I FEEL IT!
I have so much to update on this website of mine.
I have written new poems.
I have vinyl available now
and my books
and some show dates in western canada and also in UK this winter and spring
and i have ideas! lots of them
and collaborations in progress
and some very lofty plans...
thing is, I always get around to updating my website eventually, but it is, admittedly, not the top priority. But I will try harder! I will.
for now, just a happy holidays from me, from this pei cafe
and gratitude for this good year i've had, the opportunities within it, the people i've met, the places i've visited.
i feel fatigued and satisfied.
and in love with a lot of things and people.
thank you for your continued support (ha, I sound like a small business. well, i guess i am)
more soon from me
but first, holidays